Maven's Guide to Living Guilt and Child-free.

I Am Done Being Ashamed.

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You know what I’m tired of hearing?  

“I have no problem with sex… In the confines of marriage.” “I have no problem with sex… In a relationship.” “I have no problem with sex… As long as it’s purely for procreation.” “I have no problem with sex… Oh, wait, yes I do.” 


Slut Shaming starts in high school (or earlier, with parents dubbing pre-teen girls as “prostitots”) and continues as a meme throughout what I can only imagine is the rest of my adult life. 


To be clear, I was not a “prostitot”. I never mimicked Brittany Spears or Miley Cyrus. I was modest, and proud of it, and if there was any Slut Shaming it came from me. But, having sex is an eye-opening experience. I didn’t get pregnant. Nothing bad happened. It was good. Awesome. Magical, even. And since experiencing it myself, I stopped. I even apologized to the friends I bullied- yes, BULLIED- over sex. Because, as it turns out, sex isn’t a bad thing, and most of us now know this.


I think it’s basically understood that the vast majority of young adults have had sex(whether they call it that or not).


So how does Slut Shaming continue? Is your sex life superior because you waited until marriage? Or is it better because you’ve been on X many dates, or kissed X many times?  Are you morally superior because you’re still a virgin? Is an intact hymen a requirement to be a Good Person? 


I don’t think so. Call me a whore, but I don’t think getting naked with a guy makes me less moral. Even if that guy isn’t my Monogamous Mating Partner. Even if that guy isn’t The Love of My Life. Hell, even if that guy isn’t a guy. 


I’ve heard a lot of interesting things concerning Sex and Love. Conservatives (and Conservatives-At-Heart, make no mistake) almost always preface their Slut Shaming with “I don’t hate sex,” or “Sex is a beautiful thing, but,” And you know what? I’m tired of hearing it. 


Sex may be a wonderful thing between two people in the confines of marriage, but it’s also a wonderful thing between five men in the confines of a dance club bathroom. And if you’re disturbed by the imagery there, Get Over It. No one says you have to be involved, so mind your own damn business.


You know what I’m tired of hearing? I’m tired of listening to other people try to police other people’s sex lives. A close friend of mine walked into a free clinic for birth control, and the woman at the front deskcried. Over her losing her virginity.


Another friend of mine told one of her best friends that she had sex (in a monogamous relationship, no less) and her friend also cried. And then her friend spent weeks berating her, trying to make her feel guilty about having sex. Because they aren’t married, or haven’t been on X many dates, or haven’t been together for X years. 


Hell, a male friend of mine- a few of them, actually, seem to just love policing the sex lives of women. Does she wear short skirts? She probably has lots of casual sex, and that’s Bad. Does she wear perfume? She must be trying to seduce me. Does she have sex outside of a monogamous hetero-normative relationship? What a whore! 


There are men, today- and not fundies, mind you, but intelligent, thoughtful men- who cannot STAND the sight of a woman wearing anything more provocative than a burka. These men are not religious, or otherwise misogynistic. But for some reason, a woman wearing a nice skirt and heels is automatically a Slut, and should be Shamed. For some reason, there are intelligent, thoughtful men who can’t stand the sight of skin.


This is not okay. I shouldn’t have to toe the very thin line between Attractive and Shameful Slut. Men don’t have to walk that line at all- why should I? 



Fun Fact: Sex means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Most people ( In my culture anyway) have this Fairy Tale idea of One Man and One Woman and she’s a virgin until her wedding night, and they have to be madly in love, and it would preferably result in a child.


In some other cultures (like India for example,) they scoff at the idea of marrying (read: sexing) for Love. Marriage is an exchange of goods. My daughter, for your cattle. Sex is seen as a means to an end (that end being reproduction, and lots of it.) The Quiverfull Movement has a similar stance. 


(Note: I’m not saying “Look How Backwards Some People Are!” I’m saying “Some People Approach Sex Differently.”)


However, for a lot of people sex is a form of recreation. Sex feels good, and that’s all there is to it. No emotions, no reproduction. It can happen between friends, or acquaintances, or exes- it doesn’t matter, because that attachment isn’t necessary. 


Here’s the thing, though. You can attach whatever meaning you want to sex. If having sex means exchanging souls, whatever. But don’t look at me like I’m trading my soul simply because you see it that way. 


My bedroom, my rules. And you don’t have the right to look down on me for them. If you don’t like my rules, then get the fuck out of my bedroom. 


You can approach sex in whatever manner you see fit. But when you expect me, and everyone else (especially women) to follow your very narrow definition of acceptable sex, THAT is where I draw the line.


So, in conclusion, I’m done with this. I’m calling out Slut Shaming wherever I see it- and I’m sure I will see it, because I’m not going to tread the paper-thin line between Sexy and Slutty. If corsets offend you, don’t look. If short skirts upset you, avert your eyes. But don’t you dare think you’re better than me because you still have a hymen.


Virginity is a myth. It’s a non-thing. It is merely the Absence of knowledge and experience. And ignorance is not something to be cherished. 






Being ignorant doesn’t make you better than me. It just makes you ignorant.

Author: mavenzelle

I'm an atheist, feminist, child-free young adult.

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